Why are his/her needs more important than yours?!??!

Once upon a time I was sitting in a waiting room where I struck up a conversation with a young girl. A beautiful, sweet girl who was “in love” with a boy she had been seeing for a few months...

She spoke about how amazing he was, saying he was kind, funny, adventurous and driven. As she spoke about him her eyes lit up, reminiscing over moments they'd shared while re-experiencing the buzzing feelings that new romance elicits; emotions that had her feeling "lucky" to be in this situationship  (*situationship being a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established) him.

But what she also expressed was fear and avoidance. She liked him so much that she was afraid of investing time in him without knowing what their future would hold, while paradoxically avoiding having "the conversation" about where she stood with him. Even though this conversation had the potential to give her clarity and alleviate the fear and anxiety she was experiencing! 

When I asked her what her resistance was about; why she felt that she couldn't bring up the conversation, she told me that she was afraid of ruining things and "putting pressure" on him, in case he wasn't ready or he seen her as being "too much" or "too needy"..... 

I blinked a couple of times before choosing my response....

The conversation went something like this... “Why are his boundary’s and needs more important than your own?” “Why is it ok for someone else to set their boundary and say they don’t want a relationship (if that were to be the case), but it’s NOT OK for you to set your boundary and say that YOU DO want a relationship?” ”Why is his need for freedom (if indeed that's where he's at in life) more valid than your need for commitment and safety in a relationship?" I highlighted to her the imbalance of putting his needs and feelings above her own, and how she was prepared to compromise her own boundaries (including what she requires within her boundaries) in order to maintain the connection..... 

She nodded profusely and said “yeesss!! That’s so true. 

So many of us can relate to being in her position! We can relate to the fear of our feelings not being reciprocated or our hopes and dreams for a future not being mirrored by our significant other... And we can relate to the notion of forgetting what we truly want and NEED, and focussing on meeting the other person's needs, in order to keep them in our lives!

So this  young lady and I went on to speak about how honouring our own boundary’s can only lead to good things.... It leads to either getting the dream guy through owning who you are and what you want, OR you realise that the dream guy isn't so dreamy. After all, how could he be if he is not completely into you and would dare risk losing you to another. He CAN'T be your dream guy if his hopes and dreams aren't in alignment with yours - imagine the conflict that would arise in the future..!

Your dream guy (or girl) MUST be all in, as a minimum standard! No matter how attractive they are, if they don't adore you, it's a f* no from me! (and hopefully from you!). Your dream person should;

• invest at least what you're investing
• be receptive to your emotions and needs
• be open and honest about their feelings and dreams for the relationship

These are all minimal things required in order to pursue a healthy relationship.

So as you navigate dating and relationships, please remember that you are the custodian of your boundaries. You are the gatekeeper and therefore it is your responsibility to set the standard for your relationships and to honour your needs; not your significant other.

My advice??? Get clear about your boundaries; what you want within and without, so that you can honour them in your situationships and/or relationships.

Sx