The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Over the weekend I wrapped up a two-day online event, teaching couples the Seven principles for Making Marriage Work, based on. the book by Dr John Gottman & Nan Silver. This book is an overview of the concepts, behaviours and skills that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. In this workshop we took it a step further, and focussed on strengthening the skills couples need to build in order to embody a "master" of relationships, as opposed to the "disasters" of relationships.

What a treat it was to share this work from Dr. John Gottman who has conducted over 40 years of research! The research and evidence behind this method is phenomenal, and I love being able to teach people skills that actually work!!! It was so great sharing this with some amazing humans who value their relationship and are so committed to doing the work, that they show up on a Sunday!!! 

There is so much to teach when it comes to the principles (two days and we could have continued for another day or two!!), but I thought I would share these principles here for those of you who are wanting a quick peek into how you can improve your relationship satisfaction, and the chances of you staying happily partnered.

The Seven Principle go like this:

1️⃣ enhance your love maps - ie, get to know your partner better, in all the ways. Cultivate a mindset of curiosity and focus on connecting in a way that allows you to learn more about your partner on a much deeper level than you do right  now. Not only does this bring closeness and connection, but also serves as a buffer when there is conflict in the relationship.

2️⃣ nurture your fondness and admiration - scan for the things to appreciate in your partner, and let them know what you find! Everyone wants to feel admired and appreciated and while we are quick to tell partners what we don't like, we need to balance this out with. 5 positive comments/action in order to have the ultimate sentiment be one of positivity and not criticism and judgement.

3️⃣ turn toward each other instead of away - when your partner reaches out for your attention/support, show up and be there. Tune into when your partner is making a bid - these often go unseen. And when they're reaching out to you, ensure that you respond with love, support and kindness.

4️⃣ let your partner influence you - be open to your partners requests and give a little in order to get a little - we call this "yield to win". People can often get so focussed on being right, that they don't consider what that need to win does to the relationship. Both have a valid perspective - try to see the reasonable part of your partners request and where you could give in a little (without compromising on your values and things that are deeply important to you).

5️⃣ solve your solvable problems - stay calm, communicate effectively and be prepared to compromise. Some issues are easily solved when you can understand one another's perspective and you're able to accomodate their needs. Compromise where you can in order to score a "win" for the relationship. 

6️⃣ overcome gridlock - 69% of issues in relationships are perpetual and ongoing, but this doesn't mean you shouldn't discuss them, just because they are tough!! But you must enter these discussions with an openness to trying to understand your partners perspective and where they're coming from, even if you disagree. Try to listen in the same way you would listen to a friend. 

7️⃣ create shared meaning - decide the important values and rituals you would like to create, and integrate into your relationship. How do you want to greet each other at the end of the day, or celebrate birthdays? What dreams do you hold for the future of the relationship? 

And of course, we have the four horseman that we want to avoid, along with some other predictors of disharmony and divorce... 

There are so many goodies to share - but that's why I run this workshop!!! :-) If you would like to know more, click here, or contact me at [email protected] to discuss further and to go on the waitlist for our next workshop.

Workshops on the Gold Coast are likely to take place in the future, but for now they are being held via zoom, so you can participate from the comfort of your own home!!!

Sx

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